penichops (penichops) wrote,

My life is literally shit

Prepare for woes

It all started a month or so ago.

Pan’s Old Dog Bum has been laying brown little eggs infrequently for 5 months or so but about a month or two ago it became a near daily occurrence. If she strains to get up after sleeping .. poo. If she gets excited, little poo drops out. Sometimes I find them petrified in the car and wonder about what has become of my life that I have been unaware of driving to work daily with a poo in my car. I have not come to terms with this.

The problem with the poos are that at any moment some other dog could step on them or sit on them and mash them into furnishings, rugs, fur etc. And we have A LOT of rugs now to try to stop Pan from slipping. Badger’s excited bouncing and spinning on my arrival home is like watching a cyclone coming straight for your house, his large paws seemingly attracted magnetically to a fresh poo that has dropped from Pan’s bottom. The more I try to stop the inevitable the more he looks excitedly up at me not looking where he is going while his paws crash stupidly millimeters from disaster.. until also they hit gold.

I think what is coming a close 2nd to Old Dog Bum is Poopfoot. Poopfoot is when a dog stands in shit but walks it through the house so that you just have a faint hint of poo smell to alert you to danger. Usually by the time you find the foot the damage had already been done. Pan constantly gets Poopfoot these days. I don’t know if it is because she can’t see or smell it anymore but goddamn it, she brings her Poopfoot into bed, into the couch it’s everywhere and it’s hideous. I’m washing sheets and a foot at 2am and it makes me want to cry.

I took the boys camping and competing a month ago, it was going to be a break from the constant poo management of Pan. Sadly though Badger held his poo for 2 days until he couldn’t hold it any longer .. in my car over everything. My jackets, the dog beds, my pillows, my chair, the water bowl, etc etc. it took hours to clean up at the competition. I was tempted to just set fire to the car. It would have been easier. It’s quite difficult to clean well when you’re not at home but we managed and I only dry reached a few times.

There are many more stories, I haven’t had a poo incident free day since June. It’s wearing on me, but tonight Pan jumped happily out of the car at the park and while we walked casually over to the soccer field I noticed she looked odd. She was vomiting but at the same time having another breathing crisis. I rushed over and held her while she panicked unable to breath, her tongue turning blue and foaming and he eye distended in the strain and panic. As usual her legs began to collapse so I held her up with her bum on my knee while I slowly patted her underarms and told her she would be ok soon. After what felt like forever she made the rasping sound that means a tiny bit of air has passed her larynx and I felt relieved that today wasn’t going to be the day she died in front of me. That’s when I also felt the warm soft feeling on my knee of what I knew was to be today’s poo incident. Yes, she had shit herself and mushed poo into my tracksuit pants but hey, that means she alive ❤️

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